Hoo boy, have I got a problem!
It has to do with a “time paradox,” the old bugaboo that haunts everyone who writes a column like this. (Not that I mean to imply lots of people write columns like this – they wouldn’t dare!)
Here’s what’s driving me up the wall – and without my webbing! Something incredibly exciting just happened in the might world of Marvel! I wanna be the first to tell you about it. But I’m penning these pandemonious words on December 3rd, 1986. You won’t be able to read this till February ’87 or even later! By then, you may have heard all about my wonderful news! You see, my “present time” is really a few months into your “past.” In fact, even now while you’re reading these woebegone words, I’m writing another Soapbox column which won’t be printed till April or May! So, in this case, I guess my “present” is your “future!” And you though you had troubles!
Well, I’m gonna tear up my calendar, turn my clock face down, and tell you my big announcement now, anyway! Are you ready for it? Here it is –
Marvel’s been sold!
That’s right. The whole ball of wax! The comic book bullpen in New York, our publishing company in London and our animation studio in Los Angeles – they’ve all been bought and paid for by New World Pictures, one of the greatest new movie and television companies in California – or the whole galaxy for that matter!
And we couldn’t be happier about it! Here’s why…
The young, hip, fun-loving guys who run New World dig Marvel Comics as much as you do! That’s why they bought us! They want to make some real dynamite movies and TV shows based on all your favorite characters, plus any new, original ideas we come up with. And they know how to put excitement on the screen. I don’t wanna sound like I’m trying to snow you, so I’ll just mention two of their latest smashes – the movie Soul Man and the TV series Sledge Hammer. ‘Nuff said?
I guess you can imagine how excited the whole blushin’ bullpen is to finally have a fast-moving, dynamic movie and TV company in our corner. Now we won’t have to merely license our characters for other people to produce – now we’ll be producing them ourselves, the way they should be done!
Well, we’d better wrap this up for now. It’s time for me to find Spielberg and Lucas and try to comfort them. I mean, now that Marvel’s gonna be a big-time player in the movie biz, the poor guys must be shiverin’ in their boots!
(But in case they read this and call their laywers because they didn’t think it was funny, we all know I’m talking about Melvin Spielberg and Seymor Lucas, right?)
So, till McDonald’s and Burger King buy their franchises in Asgard this is Smilin’ Stan wishing you health, happiness and hilarity, and reminding you that drugs are for losers, so dare to say “no” – unless you’re being offered a Marvel mag, of course!