Stan’s Soapbox – Marvel Age #72 (March 1989)

It’s hard to believe!

Wanna win a genuine imitation No-Prize? Okay, then guess what it is that’s hard to believe in the next thirty seconds!

Time’s up! Here’s the answer…

It’s hard to believe that this is actually the sixth anniversary of MARVEL AGE MAGAZINE! Yep, that’s right! Our own little fun-filled, fan-oriented stocking-stuffer has become one of the most successful publications of its type. Of course, that’s not hard to do when there aren’t any other mags of its type, but why split hairs?

Hey, what an idea for a new super hero! The Masked Hair-Splitter! But don’t tell anyone till we copyright it; those DC spies are everywhere!

Anyway, at the risk of embarrassing shy, Slim-Jim Salicrup, let’s congratulate him on the great things he’s done with MARVEL AGE MAGAZINE – things like hiring such terrific writers to pen his columns every month, although unfortunately my legendary modesty forbids me from mentioning names!

But never let it be said that your benevolent bullpen ignores such momentous events as birthday! In honor of MARVEL AGE MAGAZINE’s sixth big one, wait’ll you hear what we’ve got in store for you! In fact, you won’t have to wait any longer – I’m bustin’ to tell you!

We’ve put together our first big, exciting, colorful gift catalogue! Yep, you heard it right! It’s the official MARVEL IMAGE CATALOG, and it’s jammed from cover to cover with the greatest gift ideas since Claremont bought Wolverine a nail file!

What kind of gifts am I talking about? Glad you asked! Since we’ve never been known to waster a golden opportunity, all the items in our great new MARVEL IMAGE CATALOG will be MARVEL GIFTS! I mean, what better kind could anyone ask for? Here’s just a small sampling of the wonderment in store for you…

Our catalog will describe some of our greatest old and new Graphic Novels, exciting Trade Paperbacks, a brand-new video cassette based on the best-selling “How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way,” more dazzling posters than would fit on the walls of the Pentagon, another video cassette that everyone’s been waiting for – the long awaited first animated adventure of – that’s right, The X-Men themselves! Plus, there’ll be the usual grab bag of Marvel-type games and toys and books and novelties and you name it!

Our new MARVEL IMAGE CATALOG is so much fun that you’ll enjoy reading it even if you never buy anything! (Although, if you don’t, if might self destruct!)  It’s the perfect gift for your best friend – or even your worst enemy – let the sucker drool with envy as he sees all the wonderment that’s awaiting you!

Hey, I just remembered! Even though I reminded you in last month’s column, there’s always the chance that one of you may have committed the unpardonable sin of missing a Soapbox. To show how merciful I am, I’ll remind you again that the gigantic, world-famous Spider-Man balloon will be in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. You’ll be able to catch it on TV, so don’t blow it, Charlie! I wouldn’t be able to sleep nights if I thought any of you might miss it!

Now, before signing off, I’ve got to say that I’m real disappointed in some of you! I’ve been asking you to write ol’ Slim-Jim and tell him to stop running those woebegone Willie Lumpkin reprints. But he’s still doing ‘em, just to drive me batty! That means some of you have been slacking off. I’ll overlook it this time, but if I see another loony Lumpkin cartoon here next month, I won’t invite you to join us when we drag Thor to the barber for his new skinhead cut!

So, till we meet again next ish for our usual shuckin’ and jivin’, always remember your super hero credo – “I shall fight villains wherever I find them, so long as I’m bigger than they are!”

Excelsior!

–Stan